Why Does My Child Listen to Their Teacher, but Not to Me?

A scenario many parents face is that their children may be receptive, listen, and cooperate well at school but seem less responsive at home. This can be difficult to understand, but viewing it through a neuroaffirmative lens can help parents gain insights into their child's needs and experiences, ultimately providing the right kind of support.

What Does “Listening” Mean?

Listening isn’t just about hearing words; it involves processing, understanding, and responding. Neurodivergent children (such as those with autism, ADHD, or sensory processing differences) may navigate these processes differently. For a child on the autism spectrum, their ability to “listen” can vary depending on the environment, their sensory state, and how instructions are delivered.

Understanding the Differences Between Environments and the Role of Teachers

• Structured Environment: Teachers often work in a structured environment, which provides predictability. This structure is incredibly helpful for all children, especially those on the spectrum. Teachers establish clear routines and expectations, reducing ambiguity and making it easier for children to follow instructions.

• Engaging Teaching Methods: Teachers are trained to present information in engaging ways, using varied teaching methods, visual aids, and interactive activities. These approaches help capture a child’s attention more effectively.

• Classroom Environment: Classrooms often offer a structured setting with clear expectations, visual schedules, and consistent routines. These cues can help a neurodivergent child feel more secure and understand what is expected of them. At home, where the environment is more relaxed and dynamic, children may find it harder to process instructions or shift between tasks.

• Social Motivation: The classroom provides a unique social dynamic. At school, children may be externally motivated by a desire to follow group norms, receive praise from teachers, or earn rewards. This social context can lead to a temporary boost in compliance. At home, however, where children feel safer and more comfortable, the need to mask or conform may reduce. While this indicates trust and safety, it can sometimes appear as resistance or non-compliance.

• Sensory Support: The school environment often includes sensory support through various activities, such as fidget tools or sensory breaks (e.g., P.E. periods). If a child’s sensory needs aren’t met at home, they may struggle to respond appropriately.

Bridging the Gap

Instead of focusing on why your child isn’t listening, let’s focus on how to create a more supportive environment at home to improve their experience.

• Structure and Predictability at Home:
Visual schedules, timers, and routine charts can offer the same clarity at home as structured schedules do at school. Visual aids can be a game-changer—use pictures, diagrams, and written instructions to support verbal communication.

• Use Clear and Concise Communication:
Short, direct instructions with visual or physical cues can help. Break down tasks into smaller, manageable steps. Use clear, direct language, and avoid vague requests or prompts. For example, instead of saying, “Can you clean up your toys?” try saying, “It’s time to put the blocks in the basket.”

• Offer Choices and Autonomy:
Providing options can reduce power struggles, especially at home. Asking, “Would you like to brush your teeth now or after your story?” gives your child a sense of control. Autonomy should be respected.

• Build in Sensory Breaks:
Create a sensory-friendly environment by reducing noise, clutter, and overwhelming stimuli. Provide sensory tools like fidgets or noise-canceling headphones as needed to support your child.

• Celebrate Strengths and Acknowledge Their Feelings:
Focus on your child’s strengths and celebrate their unique abilities. This builds self-esteem and creates a positive environment. Acknowledging your child’s feelings is crucial—empathy goes a long way. For example, observe your child’s responses and offer them a break, or take a break together and enjoy an activity they prefer.

• Collaborative Problem-Solving:
Involve your child in creating solutions. Ask them what helps them focus and follow instructions. By creating a space tailored to their preferences, you can make a lasting difference.

• Seek Professional Support:
If you’re finding it difficult to navigate these challenges, consider reaching out to a child therapist or educational specialist who understands neurodiversity and can provide tailored guidance.

Conclusion

Always remember: if your child is comfortable expressing their true self at home, it’s a win! It’s not about perfect compliance, but about building a strong relationship grounded in respect, understanding, and support—where communication flows easily, and it is a safe and harmonious environment for all.

Disclaimer: This content has been improvised with the assistance of ChatGPT.